I Keep Giving Out Free Ideas

New idea to profit off of aging hipsters: Organic prescription drugs.

I'll Take The Pork

Sorry about that, everyone. I've been extremely busy as I've started taking classes again. I apologize for letting my blog production wane so dramatically. Hopefully I'll be back to getting a periodic flow of writing going, though I may have to take another month off as I try to participate in my first NaNoWriMo.

So what am I going to talk about? Of course, the economy. No one's going to start shutting up about it, so I might as well start talking about it. As I write this on Friday, I see that the Dow is hovering close to 8,300 points. I could point out that the S&P 500, a more reliable index, is at 880, it's lowest since 2003, but who gives a shit when the Dow has such a more massive number? Anyway, the point is the economy blows right now, and no one is going to stop talking about it.

I'm reminded of the stock crisis of 1987 (still the biggest one-day percentage loss in history.) I was three at the time, so I didn't even learn of it until high school. You try talking to your toddlers about stock woes. I bet you won't get very far before you have to suspend your dialogue in order to prevent them from sticking something in their nose.

Remember American Psycho? There's a film (and supposedly, book) that made light of the Wall Street greed and materialism of the 80's that was so characteristic of an entire generation. Thank God we've moved on as a society. Wait a minute, we haven't. The victims of this huge financial mess are the the same ones who are the essential catalyst for the reaction - the consumers who have thrived on easy credit only to now realize that there are repercussions for not paying up.

Greed is despicable, surely, and it's almost like a drug. A drug in which I've partaken a few times myself. I mean check out this new coat I bought. But there are times when that dirty, stinky, sweaty cash and all the excess for its own sake that money brings truly make you proud to be a human being.

There's a restaurant in Japan. (Right there, see? You know this is going to be good.) Specifically, it's in the Roppongi district of Tokyo. Actually, to be more accurate, it's a very exclusive club. Membership in said club requires that you have a ¥20M (or $175K) salary. And one visit to the members-only restaurant can cost up to ¥800K ($7,000). The menu comprises chicken, dog, pig or goat... not unreasonable choices for Eastern dining. After you make your choice, they bring you a corresponding live animal of either sex for you to fuck. And that's taken literally. You actually have sex with it. When you're done, the beast is slaughtered, cooked, and served to your table.

Are you absorbing the images that your mind is creating right now? Isn't there something - I don't know - poetic about the whole thing? Screwing an animal and then eating it just a short while later? What a primitive and carnal experience for members of only the highest society. I think that's irony at its peak, ladies and gentlemen.

The article is more than a year old, and depending on the original source, it may not be wholly accurate. But I hope it's true, because its message resounds even more today. This shows that money can buy anything, and those who have it will show no hesitation to prove it. Greed affects us all, from the people who can eat prostitute pigs to those who have merely maxed out their credit cards. And if you put it all into perspective, it all comes down to what you can afford in the end. I think Patrick Bateman would be impressed.

Midnight Snack

If you happen to be making a delicious banana milkshake, then don't do what I did and drink it in bed. If you spill a few drops on your sheets, then it looks like you've been up to something else entirely.

Week Off

I know, I know, there was no new post this morning. Gimme a break - I'm settling in to the idea that I'm going to be a grad student taking classes again.

Regarding Advertisements

So if you're a loyal reader (and judging by the absolute overflow of comments I keep getting, you're not) you may have noticed that there are now a bunch of ads on the site, in between blog posts. They're part of an experiment to see whether I can get any sort of income from this site. That's right, I actually get a small amount of monetary credit when you click on these various ads from Google. So while I am expressly prohibited from encouraging anyone to click on various harmless, good-natured advertisements, I do promote you readers (who, again, don't exist) putting 2 and 2 together, so to speak.

Olympic Rings

One of the recurring themes on this blog, as you might have noticed, is my neverending inability to get laid. It may be exaggerated to some degree for humor's sake, but I would say it's a pretty safe bet that most people my age have had sex with way more people than I have.

Then I read this. (Oddly enough, it's not posted under "Sports" but rather "Entertainment.")

Have you read it yet? Good.

So just to sum up, China has graciously provided a tenth of a million condoms to the world's Olympic athletes, of which there are ten and a half thousand. If this seems like overkill, it surprisingly isn't. Evidently a supply of 70,000 in Sydney during the 2000 games wasn't enough. Doing rough math, this is roughly ten condoms per athlete, or up to twenty per sexual encounter, if we're assuming it's possible that the athletes could be fucking each other, rather than random people on the street. Furthermore, we may be able to assume that some of these athletes may be married, and some of that subset might want to have children, thereby further reducing the population of athletes who would be using these condoms. Conclusion: Olympic athletes are the most effective ass-getters in the world, and they're horny as all hell.

I guess this isn't too much of a surprise, given that their bodies are constantly engaged in activity. I've recently started running, and I can affirm that regular physical activity has serious effects on all aspects of your body. For example, it has manifested mental benefits as I find I'm far less likely to get depressed. And yes, it also tends to increase your sex drive. Of course, that will happen with any sort of deviation from a lifestyle wherein you're sitting on your ass alone for all sixteen hours you're awake, watching baseball, reading, and playing video games.

Wait a minute... Now, I'm all for practicing safe sex and preventing the spread of HIV. That's clearly the driving motive behind this condom-fest and there's nothing wrong with that. But these are Olympians, the cream of the crop and the best of the best with regards to human physical form. And we're preventing them from procreating? Why not let them go all out and get a future race of superhumans? And before you call me a crazy deviant who's been studying Nazi breeding tactics, realize that this group includes members of all the cultures of the world! You know why Brazilians are so super-sexy? It's because they're the product of a natural process of massive intercultural breeding. Brazil's got the best genes from all around the world. Talk about a melting pot.

So I say make your decisions with great care. Perhaps, Olympians, you're of the opinion that you should set a great example by exercising safe sex and demonstrating the value of responsible thinking. Or perhaps you want to make an equally informed decision by electing to attempt reproduction with your significant Olympian other and produce the world's next master exceptional race. I see you're thinking really hard. Maybe I should take over for you until you've made your decision. I have some extra condoms of my own since I got that last Harry Potter book.

Africa Hef and the Kangaroos

During my week spent diligently attending to the needs of video games and baseball message boards, I neglected to write an article for this blog, and now it's only 12 hours until publishing time. Fortunately for me, I was able to turn to my most trusted news source, the BBC, to give me news that you probably won't find anywhere else. And for good reason.

In the first instance, we have a bit of advice from an 84 year old man in Nigeria. Quite succinctly put, it's a simple recommendation: don't marry eighty-six women. The former teacher and spiritual leader has admitted that he's superhuman, acknowledging that only God's help has allowed him to "control" his eighty-six wives and "at least" 170 children. I'm speechless. Who could have ever imagined that a self-described religious person could have built his own personal mini-empire on polygamy and massive procreation? Oh yeah, I knew that sounded familiar.

However, I'm much more willing to ignore the case of Mr. Bello Abubakar. First, just look at a picture of the guy - he looks dead tired, and obviously for good reason. Second, there has been no media frenzy regarding a possibly unjust raid on his "compound" the way there was with the Texas FLDS raid in April. Watching the effects of that raid truly made me horrified and ashamed. Mostly because I thought everyone in this country had long since burned those clothes.

But all is not bleak for those who want to save the world by leaving polygamy behind and rallying together to save the planet. Just eat more kangaroos. Or so says Dr. George Wilson, of the Australian Wildlife Services. Meanwhile, minimal research on my part led me to the Food and Agriculture Organization of the U.N., which indicates that in 2002, the United States alone consumed 40 million tons of meat. Granted, that's probably not all beef and mutton. Still, assuming that the average kangaroo might weigh 100 pounds - and not all of that is usable meat, I'd imagine - that would mean we'd need to perhaps slaughter 800 million kangaroos in this country alone to replace our existing red meat. If someone in the U.S. plans on executing this plan, the fact that kangaroos are not native to the States is going to lead to the Australians making a killing in exports. (Pun most definitely intended.)

I guess I don't really have any further commentary beyond that it seems a little absurd to start the factory farming of kangaroos. And a simple word count at this point reveals that I'm only barely above four hundred, which makes this a pathetic post from a purely quantitative viewpoint. I could, at this point, begin to believe that I've let down my adoring public. But life is too short (especially if you're a kangaroo nowadays) to think negatively. Instead, I should think happy thoughts and look on all the positives in life. One that immediately jumps to mind is that I don't have eighty-six wives. If I had to devote all my attention to them, what would my poor video games and baseball message boards do without me?

Snip Snip

Every time I have to go to Wal-Mart, I want to treat myself to a vasectomy. That way, there would be no way that I, too, would help inflict the punishment on the rest of the world that is children. Why can't stupid people - the ones who are procreating so much - think this way?

And while I'm at it, why is it that no kids ever know how to shut the hell up? I suppose kids will be kids, but if that's the case, don't bring them to a place where I could potentially be.

Oh wait, I don't get laid regularly anyway, so I suppose that's not that much of an issue.