Corn: The New Black, Says Iowa

You know, corn prices are on the rise. No, it's not that people are finally believing Tony The Tiger's claims that Frosted Flakes of Corn really are great. (Yes, I included the prepositional phrase in the name. That's what they're called. Read the goddamn box next time.) Instead, it's saving the planet that's making corn so expensive.

Now, I'm going to ignore the wacky theories that claim that corn is evil personified. Well, personified in an inhuman vegetable sense. No, this will instead focus on ethanol production. Everyone is finally starting to talk about climate change, with topics such as "Gosh, we're such a stupid species; I'm going to prepare for the upcoming apocalypse" and "Hey, Al Gore - wasn't he that guy on that ABC sitcom?" Thus, the demand for ethanol, a corn-derived popular choice as an alternative to petroleum, is driving the price of corn up ridiculously.

Come to think of it, my roommate just finished converting a Chevy Equinox to run on E85, which is 85% ethanol. His team's vehicle won "lowest petroleum use" in a collegiate competition, making it seemingly the best option for reducing our petroleum usage. But as has already been revealed, it's driving up the demand for corn. On the other hand, it gives us something else which we all love - the chance to poke fun at Mexicans.

Go to any Mexican restaurant and you'll discover three things - the food is usually cheap, tequila increases your social acceptance at the expense of your body, and tortillas are essentially a basic food group. And that's only in the United States, the home of cheap rip-offs of foreign cuisines and cultures. I mean, I ate an average of more than one a day while I was in New Mexico. Just imagine how many corn tortillas are eaten in Actual Mexico every day.

Apparently it's so bad that people in Mexico have been protesting. There's recently been a 400% increase in the price of corn tortillas. That's right - screw NAFTA, we're liquefying your dinner and pumping it into our gas tanks.

Which would we be more willing to pay for, though - gas or corn? I mean, I don't use gas but for one thing - powering my automobile. Corn, on the other hand, has tons of uses - side dishes, cooking oils, improvised sexual devices... What would happen to the economy if corn prices went through the roof? I hate to have to do this, but the link to the book I mentioned says that more than a quarter of the 45,000 items in a supermarket contain corn in some way.

Here's a novel idea - let's just stop driving. It's a lot cheaper and if cars weren't on the road, it would be a lot safer for me to bike to work. Hell, if we all biked to work, maybe we wouldn't be such a fat-ass nation. But before that morning bike ride, I'll need some Wheaties. Who knows what the price of Corn Flakes will be in the near future.

My guess? Not so Grrreat.