Take a Ride on the Short Line

Because you can't get decent news in America anymore, I was browsing the BBC News website. I had just finished reading in depth about a man with sulfhaemoglobinaemia, the rare blood condition which turns you into a well-known alien from the late 1960's, when I saw a piece on those rarest of documents, U.S. Passports.

I say rare because it is estimated that only 25% of the U.S. population currently holds a passport. That's only one our of four, meaning that for my experience traveling abroad, there are three other people perfectly content with never leaving this country. That's just a frightening level of blissful ignorance, considering how much there is to see in the world, and the all-too-rapid approach of death, which is essentially boredom setting in forever.

Granted, there is a lot to be said for the United States. There's 3.7 million square miles of territory, and it's far from homogeneous. If you've ever been to Texas, you can essentially count that as travel abroad, in my opinion. I certainly like the idea of distancing myself from Texans as much as possible - why not give them some sort of alternate citizenship?

Yet, nothing beats international travel. After all, it's the reason I understand jokes about Tesco. If you're considering traveling abroad, let me tell you something that the government doesn't want you to find out - most members of the international community don't hate open-minded Americans. They hate our government, sure. But who doesn't? When in doubt, just call President Bush an idiot (regardless of your opinion), and you shouldn't run into too many problems.

Apparently, though, I'm preaching to the choir, because between March and May, more than 4.5 million U.S. Passports were issued. The demand for them is so high, in fact, that the government has acted in true government fashion - by rendering actual passports meaningless for the whole summer. That's right, now your driver's license doubles as your "get out of country free" card. As long as you've applied for a passport, you can fly to or from Canada, Mexico, the Caribbean or Bermuda no problem.

I guess there's nothing truly wrong with this move, but I do love the fact that it has to be done, what with bureaucracy being what it is. The exposure of folly within a system is always a great thing to witness, whether it's passport office delays of up to three months or a fat man cleaning up on "Press Your Luck."

Speaking of international travel, can we deport Paris Hilton? I'm thinking maybe to Texas.