This Putt Could Go All The Way

As you are probably unaware, the U.S. Open (yes, that's golf) is currently being played up in Pennsylvania. While I used to watch golf on weekends back when the great Jack Nicklaus was still playing, I really don't give a shit about golf anymore. But the fact of the matter is that ESPN decided that's what they'd be showing at noon today, so I figured that while on my elliptical machine, I'd watch that instead of the local news or one of the estrogen-packed talk shows of daytime television. And boy, was I not disappointed, because who did they have as a commentator? None other than Chris Berman.

Now, for those of you unfamiliar with Berman, he's probably best known for his catch phrase, "He could.. go.. all.. the.. way!" when reviewing football touchdown highlights. He's the type of sportscaster whose voice just gives an image of being the chief orchestrator of the best damn tailgate in the parking lot before a big football game, swigging back cheap American beer and calling you a little pussy for preferring hot dogs over bratwurst. It's like he's training himself to become heir to the Madden dynasty.

Now, to be fair, I have seen Chris Berman covering baseball, too, so I do know that he is definitely not restricted to football. But if we're talking about good all-purpose sportscasters, two figures who immediately pop into my head are Howard Cosell and Bob Costas, the latter being my personal favorite with great coverage of the Olympics. Chris Berman, however, just doesn't have that all-purpose personality necessary to cover the much more tame sport of golf.

I'll give you an example. As we watched Joe Durant taking his final stroke on what I think was hole seven, it gradually became clear that it was a really great shot, giving him a birdie after two straight bogeys. Berman's gem of a response? "Durant, Durant... He is hungry like a wolf."

Now, I love Duran Duran. I appreciate whenever they're mentioned, and I even appreciate the occasional Sportscenter-esque pun or catch phrase. But this is golf, the sport of Thurston Howell IIIs. Even if it's not devoid of emotion, it's certainly devoid of intensity relative to other sports. Occasionally there's the putt that will make or break you, but not on every hole. This shot in particular was decent, but not dramatic.

As in tennis, there are no teams, so you have to pull for individual players. What golf really needs is a high-intensity figure. The John McEnroe of golf, if you will. Just imagine how cool it would be to see a golfer get really violent. He'd be especially fun to watch today, as apparently everyone was having an off day due to the difficulty of the course. There were a lot of bogeys, and I would have loved to hear some profanity as a result.

But golf is what it is, and at least I recognize that. Why can't Chris Berman do the same? Really, though, I'll take whoever they give me, as long as it's not Al Michaels. God, I hate that guy.