Who Listened to Too Much Tom Jones?

I saw a story on this subject from FOX News, that shining beacon of journalism's light of truth, but then I found out that the BBC covered the same story two years ago. What story, you ask? The wackiest idea I've heard yet - the Sex Bomb. If you're too lazy to click, I'll just sum up - the US Air Force investigated the possibility of a chemical weapon which, upon use on enemy soldiers, would make them sexually irresistible to each other.

I love imagining the military thought process that must have resulted in this idea. "Let's see, we're definitely sure that the enemy is evil. Wait a minute, you know who else is evil? Gays! So perhaps the enemy is especially predisposed to homosexuality. If we could simply release a chemical agent to trigger their faggotry, they'd surely rip their pants off and start screwing each other left and right! Then we move in and kill them all."

Personally, I'd love to have my own sex bomb. Seriously, if someone from the military actually developed this and it was never released, get in touch. I could just imagine setting it off at a college party. All of a sudden, I'd be Southwest Virginia's host with the most.

Hell, let's even market this sucker: Are you tired of being unsuccessful with women? Fed up with all of that illegal date rape? Heck, are you even just tired of being able to seduce only one woman at a time? Well, Poindexter, kiss your bodily fluids goodbye, and say hello to the all-new Ero-Blaster! Developed by the USAF with your precious tax dollars, the Ero-Blaster releases a host of concentrated chemicals that we're pretty sure aren't toxic. Then, those chemicals enter the brain of every not-so-innocent bystander and fills them with raging lust. There's even a chance for brain damage, so won't the next morning be fun! (Side effects may include attraction of people who are boring, unattractive, or of the undesired sexual orientation.)

Another thing I love about this article is the other non-lethal chemical weapon ideas that they thought up, especially the "Who? Me? Bomb." Since the year of our Lord 1945, there has been talk of simulating flatulence amongst the ranks of the enemy. Honestly, how much of a deterrent or a blow to morale would that be? I'd imagine that if I were being shot at, trying to determine who farted would be a relatively low priority on my immediate to-do list.

Apparently, logic yet again is not the preferred military route, as the rationale they use against Dr. Demento's Fart Machine is that "people in many areas of the world do not find fecal odor offensive, since they smell it on a regular basis." Way to build our international reputation, General. "Well, I'd totally bust open a stink bomb in your camp, but you smell so much like shit that you wouldn't even notice. Oh yeah, and your momma's so fat, when she gets on the scale, it says 'to be continued!' Ooooh, burned!"

So anyway, I actually think the sex bomb is a good idea. In fact, let's set it off everywhere. No more fighting, just sweet, sweet lovin'. Sure the birth rate will spike and we'll be plowing through all the Earth's resources even faster. But honestly, wouldn't it be worth it just to get laid end war?