Mentioning Unmentionables

The primary topic of this post is my underwear. I'm not usually so direct, but I think that this should probably be mentioned up from so that your expectations regarding the intelligence of this post aren't too high.

As most of you are probably unaware, I wear Hanes boxer briefs. In my many years of wearing underwear, I find that these offer the greatest comfort as the elastic waistband remains encased in fabric and is thus nonirritating - a feature I have yet to find in standard boxers, though I admittedly haven't looked very hard. An added bonus is that these are readily available in Wal-mart, which is convenient in that when I go said store, I try to get everything I could possibly need so as to avoid further trips for a very long time. Wal-mart's product consistency being what it is, I've found two varieties of this underwear, despite only wanting one. One variety has a vertical ribbon of fabric sewn in the front of the waistband with "Hanes" written on it. The other has the word "Hanes" printed directly on the waistband. I've had the latter for a longer period of time, and as I finished my laundry yesterday, I noticed that on one particular pair, all but the "e" was missing from the front.

Because I'm so especially bored nowadays, I found myself staring at the "e" shorts and thinking about them. The more I thought, the cooler they seemed. First of all, the only letter left is lowercase. Tell me that's not cool. If it were the "H" that remained, I feel that the shorts would be an embarrassment, as though I had removed all the other letters in order to make some bizarre superhero costume, calling myself "The Hurricane," "Herring-man," or something else just as pathetic. You just can't have a capital letter on your clothes, unless you're a superhero. And even then, prepare to get laughed at.

The lowercase "e," though, struck me as almost artistic, especially since it was off-center. For example, E.E. Cummings (known to his friends as e.e. cummings) immediately springs to mind. In fact, I think he'd want his underwear to be like mine. I started thinking how mysterious and enigmatic this "e" underwear could be, doubtlessly impressive to anyone with taste. I began to wonder if it could be cool enough to score points with the ladies. Then I realized that if a girl has seen your underwear, then either you're on the path towards mutual intimacy or you've just been tremendously embarrassed. Either way, your fate has pretty much been sealed at that point.

Anyway, I finally snapped back to my senses and finished folding the clothes. And oddly enough, I'm currently wearing an old pair of true, baggy boxer shorts for a little variety. Yet, I still think that worn old pair of underwear is pretty cool. But these boxers have a giant "H" on the front, and I usually assume my alter-ego on the weekends.