Stocking Stuffers

It's been my intention to post something witty for the past few weeks now, but I haven't had many ideas. Of course, it's Christmas season, but so many bad jokes have been made about the commercialization of the holiday, the political incorrectness of mentioning it, and the three wise men (hey, how come one of the figures in our Nativity set is black?) that to attempt an exposition on any holiday topic would be cheap and degrading. Since no one wants to be cheap and degrading, I've decided to address something completely different - pornography.

I was quizzed recently about what the #1 industry of some particular type was, and apparently I was supposed to be surprised that the answer was the adult entertainment industry. I know the porn industry generates billions of dollars each year. Of course I knew that; I'm not ignorant about how horny our country is. I mean, just look at Florida. It's such a phallic state, dangling off the east coast. Yet I've always wondered how the industry thrives so much. I mean, the Internet's been around for ages, and there's all sorts of ways to get free porn. You'd know this if you owned a Dell computer, apparently.

One day, I wondered what the porn industry was really putting out that was special enough to still warrant paying for it, so I went to an actual porn store. Apparently they're listed in the phone book under "adult bookstores." I thought that was sadly ironic, since I imagine that what little printed word you'll find in porn magazines would probably be below a ninth-grade reading level. Anyway, I conquered my nervousness and went in, immediately greeted by what had to be the most helpful sales clerk ever. He was really enthusiastic, suggesting various magazines to me that came packaged with free DVDs. (Apparently porn is still free in the real world. You just have to pay for it.) Anyway, I heeded his advice, made a few selections, and decided to check out.

You know how in most DVD stores, there are televisions mounted to the wall that are showing some latest new DVD release? Evidently this adult bookstore was exactly the same, only it was showing some new porn DVD. I was thinking, "oh man, this must be a great place to work - a relaxed atmosphere, and there's porn on all day." Then I heard a line about how this aspiring porn actress just loved this new sex toy she got. It wasn't too unsettling in and of itself, but the employee behind the counter recited the exact same line in perfect unison with her. A veritable stereo effect. Now, the next time you think of hearing something that's awkward and uncomfortable, just imagine a man in his mid-thirties describing to you how great it feels to stimulate his vagina with a glass dildo.

Several months later, I ended up pitching the magazines I wound up getting that day. I never looked at them too often, and really, who could blame me? I'd like to avoid getting disillusioned to the point where I've watched a pornographic movie enough times to memorize dialogue from it. I did see, though, how having a magazine or a DVD could be advantageous over Internet porn. There's no need for a computer, for one. Then again, maybe that's a bad thing. I've heard that there are porn magazines at airports. That makes for an interesting stopover in Atlanta, being suspicious of who's bringing these magazines into the men's rooms. Come to think of it, though, airports are always crazy places. I could swear that when I was in the bathroom at the Newark airport, I could hear some woman having sex. Then again, my mind does play tricks on me. After all, I keep seeing that third wise man down at the gym playing basketball all the time.