How to Get Money from the Government

In the world of engineering, no one has a firm grasp on the future. (No one has a vagina, either.) For this reason, when engineers use the sciences to their advantage to develop technology, they must be prepared to perform research. It's the purpose I've inflicted upon my own life, and there's a certain degree of nobility to the whole idea. Technological progress is the hallmark of the human race, and research is an effort to perpetuate that progress. Then there's the whole money thing...

Research takes a lot of funding. There is equipment to run, parts to order, computers to process data, and graduate students to barely keep alive. It all adds up to a hefty sum of money. Having never been especially well-off, I don't think, the mere concept of dealing with such large amounts of money still amazes me. It's astonishing to me that contracts can be established that set up vast accounts to be used as fuel for the research fire. I'm still learning the ropes as to how that money machinery works, too. But one thing I know for sure is that the biggest and best money machines belong to the U.S. military.

The problem is, not every technological advancement has an obvious use for the military. If you're working on chemical engineering, you're golden. Just show that there's a combustion reaction or something. Some engineering disciplines are hard to exploit for military use, though. I mean, how is HVAC (heating, ventilation, and air conditioning) research ever going to happen? If it weren't for submarines, acoustic science might have taken a hell of a lot longer to reach the point where it is now. So for those of us who are masters of the non-deadly sciences, I'm here to offer some advice. When negotiating for your contract from the military, it's crucial that you not only present your proposed research accurately, but I've prepared a simulated dialogue of what I feel is a proper method of securing that funding:

You: "I've got a revolutionary new idea on how to harness the inherent beauty of the physical world to benefit mankind!"

Military: "Can we use it to kill people?"

You: "Well..."

Military: "That's good enough! Who do we make the check out to?"

Also, use acronyms whenever possible. I call this the UAWP strategy. The military likes acronyms, probably because each word within the acronym is so long and so pointless. When I worked for the Air Force, I invented Acronym Scrabble, a version of Scrabble wherein only military acronyms were acceptable words. The scary part is, the Air Force actually had an acronym dictionary that I could have used if I wanted to.

I guess in the end, that as long as the government continues to pump a vast portion of its money into the military, we're going to continue to have to trick them into thinking that our technology can help them. Perhaps soon, engineering schools will realize that, at least from what I can tell, trickery comes a lot easier when you have that second X chromosome.

Stocking Stuffers

It's been my intention to post something witty for the past few weeks now, but I haven't had many ideas. Of course, it's Christmas season, but so many bad jokes have been made about the commercialization of the holiday, the political incorrectness of mentioning it, and the three wise men (hey, how come one of the figures in our Nativity set is black?) that to attempt an exposition on any holiday topic would be cheap and degrading. Since no one wants to be cheap and degrading, I've decided to address something completely different - pornography.

I was quizzed recently about what the #1 industry of some particular type was, and apparently I was supposed to be surprised that the answer was the adult entertainment industry. I know the porn industry generates billions of dollars each year. Of course I knew that; I'm not ignorant about how horny our country is. I mean, just look at Florida. It's such a phallic state, dangling off the east coast. Yet I've always wondered how the industry thrives so much. I mean, the Internet's been around for ages, and there's all sorts of ways to get free porn. You'd know this if you owned a Dell computer, apparently.

One day, I wondered what the porn industry was really putting out that was special enough to still warrant paying for it, so I went to an actual porn store. Apparently they're listed in the phone book under "adult bookstores." I thought that was sadly ironic, since I imagine that what little printed word you'll find in porn magazines would probably be below a ninth-grade reading level. Anyway, I conquered my nervousness and went in, immediately greeted by what had to be the most helpful sales clerk ever. He was really enthusiastic, suggesting various magazines to me that came packaged with free DVDs. (Apparently porn is still free in the real world. You just have to pay for it.) Anyway, I heeded his advice, made a few selections, and decided to check out.

You know how in most DVD stores, there are televisions mounted to the wall that are showing some latest new DVD release? Evidently this adult bookstore was exactly the same, only it was showing some new porn DVD. I was thinking, "oh man, this must be a great place to work - a relaxed atmosphere, and there's porn on all day." Then I heard a line about how this aspiring porn actress just loved this new sex toy she got. It wasn't too unsettling in and of itself, but the employee behind the counter recited the exact same line in perfect unison with her. A veritable stereo effect. Now, the next time you think of hearing something that's awkward and uncomfortable, just imagine a man in his mid-thirties describing to you how great it feels to stimulate his vagina with a glass dildo.

Several months later, I ended up pitching the magazines I wound up getting that day. I never looked at them too often, and really, who could blame me? I'd like to avoid getting disillusioned to the point where I've watched a pornographic movie enough times to memorize dialogue from it. I did see, though, how having a magazine or a DVD could be advantageous over Internet porn. There's no need for a computer, for one. Then again, maybe that's a bad thing. I've heard that there are porn magazines at airports. That makes for an interesting stopover in Atlanta, being suspicious of who's bringing these magazines into the men's rooms. Come to think of it, though, airports are always crazy places. I could swear that when I was in the bathroom at the Newark airport, I could hear some woman having sex. Then again, my mind does play tricks on me. After all, I keep seeing that third wise man down at the gym playing basketball all the time.