Smoke Signals

Coolness is officially dying in France.

With the coming of the new year, France has now banned smoking in bars, cafes, and hotels. It's almost the definition of unbelievable. France banning smoking is like Washington, D.C. banning hypocrisy or New York City banning foreign cab drivers or the use of the word "fuck."

Don't get me wrong - smoking is definitely a serious issue. It's a known carcinogen, and it produces a strong chemical addiction. I personally also happen to think smoking is disgusting. I remember when my late grandmother used to smoke in the living room. I hated it, and whenever I would pass by on my way to either my bedroom or the den, I would put on this dramatic performance wherein I would hold my breath, pinch my nose, and sprint by. After a while, my grandmother got the hint. Fortunately, her habit was very casual and there was no difficulty in her quitting.

However, you have to admit that there's an image factor when smoking. There are cool-as-hell smoky jazz clubs, for example. And without cigarettes, what images would we have of Audrey Hepburn, Hunter S. Thompson, and Garfield the Cat? Wait, maybe that's lasagna. Anyway, the point is, that tobacco smoking has always come across as cool for some reason. Sherlock Holmes was pretty pimp solving all those crimes, but the icing on the cake is that pipe he smokes. It's too bad that they can't see who will be coming after them once they commit the crime. If I knew a pipe-smoking badass was going to hunt me down, I'd leave Old Ms. Farnesworth alone and not kill her for her family fortune.

Anyway, the point is that if Sherlock Holmes now wants to walk in to a Parisian cafe, he'd have to take that pipe outside. After he gets laughed at, of course, for those Victorian clothes he's wearing. I think France has to rethink this whole ban. Sure, the health of the general public is a concern, but we can spare a few lung cancers to keep Paris cool, right? Apart from cigarettes, all that France would have left to be known for is red wine and arrogance.

Come to think of it, I'm wondering what Johnny Depp thinks about this. I remember him being vocal about the smoking bans in this country, and now Paris and Germany are lost. He spends some time in France, doesn't he? Or maybe his wife is French. I can't remember. The point is, he'll probably be pissed. And he was friends with Hunter S. Thompson, too, who is dead. If you know Thompson, you're probably like me and suspicious that the two of them entered into some voodoo blood ritual wherein Depp now has a means to contact Thompson's spirit. I would not want to be a French lawmaker, knowing that there's even a slim chance that the ghost of this man might be coming to burn "The Marlboro Man Lives" into my chest with a wood burning kit while I sleep. Eat your heart out, Jacob Marley.

Well, I will probably never go to Paris. I have virtually no knowledge of the language, and there is no foreseeable reason to go, apart from tourism or perhaps an engineering conference. If I go, though, I won't have to worry about making an ass of myself by holding my breath and sprinting down the streets of the City of Love with my nose pinched shut.