Money Laundering

"A federal appeals court ruled Tuesday that the U.S. Treasury Department is violating the law by failing to design and issue currency that is readily distinguishable to blind and visually impaired people." This information came to me today by way of CNN, which is probably the best source of news I can get that originates from this country. (If anyone knows of a better one, let me know.) I’m subscribed, however, to the BBC Global News Podcast, so at least I get some sense of what the rest of the world deems is important. Their coverage of the China earthquake and the Burmese Typhoon (yeah, remember that?) has been unparalleled. I like following the upcoming election and all, but there’s just so much Obama and McCain I can take when there are actual things happening around the world that it wouldn’t hurt to know about - like the deaths of thousands of people.

Anyway, this news about our money is no surprise to me. I remember when I was in Northern Ireland a few years ago, every bank note was different. Well, first off, every bank printed their own version of the Pound Stirling, and every singly one of those printed in Northern Ireland were not accepted in England. It’s a real bitch if you suddenly think that taking a vacation to England would be a good idea and all you have are the Northern Ireland notes. It’s like trying to bring Fleer or Topps cards to an Upper Deck table. It just doesn’t work.

But the key thing about the Pound was that every different denomination was a slightly different shape and size. I noticed this one day and asked our group’s leader, Neil, what the deal was. He simply said, "That’s so that blind people can tell the difference. We’re actually considerate over here."

So ever since then, I’ve always held the view that the U.S. Treasury department really is screwing blind people on a regular basis. I mean, Ray Charles had to be paid in singles, for crying out loud. Instead of actually designing our notes to be distinguishable by something other than sight alone, The treasury instead devoting every last ounce of effort toward making the notes impossible to counterfeit. Their latest effort has redesigned the five-dollar bill, and with great success. If you look on the back of the latest incarnation of the five (shown below), there’s a giant, purple, flamboyant-as-hell "5" in the corner. No counterfeiter on earth is secure enough in his or her sexuality to put that on their fake money. Fun fact - the denomination of the bill is also the age of the person who thought up that dumb-ass idea.



Fortunately, though, this bill should be short-lived after it has finally been discovered that the blind are being shafted by John Q. Henry Paulson. I'd like to finally see us adopt the European system of money printing - a different color and a different size for every note. But before that takes place, we're going to have to eliminate the existing regime of bills, especially the fives. I'd recommend we all buy some Upper Deck cards. I'll trade you my extra Alex Rodriguez for your Carlos Delgado.