Polly Want a Lift

It being an election year, most so-called journalism is preoccupied with producing reasons for you to believe that we're on a painfully slow descent into Hell. (Author's note: Hell is capitalized out of respect for Satan.) If you're registered to vote and feeling like shit, then thanks for sticking to the plan. In refusing to conform to the depression that I feel most people in the world would rather I experience, I've come across a rather uplifting article. And by uplifting, I don't mean "heartwarming and inspirational" nearly as much as I mean "bizarre and funny." Your reactions may differ.

As usual, I'm going to summarize the article, assuming that you're too lazy to click on the link (this helps drive up my word count and correspondingly makes me feel more productive). Yosuke, a red-tailed African Grey parrot in Japan, was captured by police and taken to an animal care shelter. Having been taught to say its name and the address of its owner, Yosuke was eventually transported back home after two weeks. The article is not a very detailed story, but it gives you a rough idea of what transpired. It also mentions that the species, considered one of the most intelligent birds, is believed by experts to possess the cognitive abilities of a six-year old human. So if anyone reading this is a parent of a toddler, congratulations; your child is not yet smarter than a parrot. It's something to strive towards.

Come to think of it, this parrot is really smart. Remember reading that book, The Incredible Journey? Man, those animals were stupid. They didn't realize that if you just reveal your name and home address, most people - out of an insane love for animals that often exceeds their love for other humans - will give you a free ride home, not even asking for half the gas money in return.

Then again, perhaps that's only the case in Japan. It's a pretty bizarre country. If you need proof, just re-read the article. The parrot was originally captured after a woman saw it sitting on a fence and called the police. First, why the hell would you call the police regarding a bird sitting on a fence? In America (meaning only the United States thereof) we're too busy concerned with the possibility of terrorists raping gonorrhea into our gasoline to be worried about a mere bird - however odd-looking - sitting on a fence. I highly doubt we'd even be looking outside to notice it.

Even more bizarre is that the police apprehended the bird, for whatever reason. I guess it was all in the name of animal control, but imagine if you called the police with avian issues in this country. The best possible reaction you could hope for is a stifled chuckle and a transfer to animal control. I'll even bet that if you speculated that the bird was African American, you wouldn't get a reaction, as bird talons are ill-suited to operate firearms. I remember the news last month of a man who went on a stabbing rampage in Tokyo. I'm sure that if this occurred in the United States, it would be a massacre with an automated weapon, and I'd probably have forgotten about it by now.

Both the fact that the police have time to respond to bird sightings and that a knifing spree is the biggest crime event the country has seen in a few years is reassuring about life in Japan. I may even consider moving there if I could find a job and it weren't so expensive. Then again, I could just buy a parrot costume and learn the address in Tokyo where I want to live. People love animals.